If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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