Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
They are going to name an STD after you.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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