I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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