i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I am one with the molecules
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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