woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
