I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
