there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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