I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
