I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
