she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Randomize
