Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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