I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
