I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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