I wish I could punch you in the face.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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