no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
