My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
