i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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