I skipped work to stalk him.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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