Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
