Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
