Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
