I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
