if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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