My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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