i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
