I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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