he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
