I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
