The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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