so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
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