How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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