I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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