I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
40s are totally the cure
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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