porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
