The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Randomize
