Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
