where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
