I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
