can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
