Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
they need to just BURY HIM!
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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