So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I think your dad took our porno
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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