Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
