What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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