Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
