this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
