i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
