Ambien. No doubt about it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
