cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I need to stop coming to work sober
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
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