I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
