I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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