Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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