i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
