How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
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