It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
