Swine flu. Run for my life!
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
