I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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