I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize