you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
