We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
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