i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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