Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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