Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
