We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
