I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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