if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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