I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
